I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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