Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize