90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This is my gift to your gina
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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