God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
