Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
