You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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