Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
