no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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