Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
