I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Four minutes until I can fart!
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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