So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
cat food counts as protein by the way
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
