The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
