wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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