Pregnant stripper...not hot.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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