i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
