cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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