he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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