i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
