I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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