I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
