Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
