i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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