jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
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