Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
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