He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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