woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
