i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
where are you?
Hypothermia
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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