I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize