he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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