I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize