When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
