drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize