I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the day after is always just damage control
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
