I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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