So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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