Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
