I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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