grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
