Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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