I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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