Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
