i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
