at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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