who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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