I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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