If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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