my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
