My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
