I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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