just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
