Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
