Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
