shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
