That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
