Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
