Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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