Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
