i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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