Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
