just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
